Late to post but hey, who’s reading? Today was not my best day ever. I woke up at 3:11 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Thoughts were racing through my head—not just mommy thoughts but all kinds of thoughts. I feel totally demotivated today, like I have no worth. Am I worthy? Worthy of love, worthy of laughter, or even worthy of being alive? Who cares? Like, really, who cares about me but my children?
This is raw, maybe too raw, but it’s how I’m feeling. The anxiety attacks throughout the day were powerful, and I don't even want to go back home. Why? I don't know. Could it be the responsibilities that await me? It took me all the power in the world to write this. Even at work, I feel worthless. With all the degrees I have, what am I doing here?
Yes, I know what you are thinking: “You should be grateful you have a job.” But today is not that kind of day. Today is a low day, and I guess I should be okay with it.
Raw Reflections
Waking up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts is something many of us experience, but it's hard to talk about. When the mind starts spiraling, it can be overwhelming. Today, the spiral was especially strong. I questioned everything—my worth, my purpose, and even my existence. It's tough admitting these feelings, but it's important to acknowledge them.
I lay there in the dark, my mind a whirlwind of doubts and fears. The silence of the night amplified my thoughts, making them louder and more persistent. Each passing minute felt like an eternity. I tried to find solace in the quiet, but all I found was a growing sense of isolation. The clock ticked on, and my thoughts only grew darker.
I thought about my children and I wondered if anyone else even noticed my struggles. The weight of loneliness pressed down on me, and I felt a deep sense of emptiness. It was as if I was floating in a void, disconnected from the world around me. The more I thought about it, the more insignificant I felt. Was I really making a difference in anyone's life? Did my existence matter beyond being a mother?
The Power of Vulnerability
Writing this post was not easy. It’s hard to admit that sometimes, despite all the achievements and milestones, I still feel like I’m not enough. The responsibilities of work, family, and personal goals can feel like a heavy burden. It’s a constant juggling act, trying to meet everyone’s expectations, including my own. On days like today, it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The weight of these responsibilities can be overwhelming, making it hard to breathe, let alone think clearly.
Every task feels monumental, and the pressure to perform perfectly in every role—be it as a parent, a professional, or just as a person—becomes almost unbearable. The irony is, the more I try to keep everything under control, the more out of control I feel. It's like being caught in a relentless storm with no shelter in sight.
On days like today, self-doubt creeps in, whispering that I’m failing, that I’m not doing enough, that I’m not enough. These whispers grow louder, drowning out the reminders of past successes and the reassurances from loved ones. It’s difficult to combat these feelings when they seem so persistent and pervasive.
Finding motivation and positivity becomes a Herculean task. The simple act of getting out of bed and facing the day feels like climbing a mountain. Every small setback feels amplified, and the successes, no matter how significant, seem to fade into the background. It’s in these moments that the tunnel seems longest, and the light at the end, barely a flicker.
But today, I’m choosing to be okay with just going through the motions. I got up, went to work, and did what needed to be done, even if I felt utterly useless and worthless. Some days, that’s enough. It’s about faking it till you make it, pushing through even when it feels impossible. Today, I’ll accept that I managed to show up, and for now, that’s all I can ask of myself.
Today's Wisdom
Today's message from my jar is by Khalil Gibran: "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."
When I saw it, it felt like maybe I still need to find the light within me. Maybe there is still hope somewhere, somehow. This message resonates deeply with me. It’s about recognizing the inner light within us, even on days when we feel dim. It’s about understanding that our worth is not defined by external achievements but by the love and kindness we hold in our hearts.
Maybe I will find some kind of light at the end of the day, maybe not today, but eventually. I refuse to give up. I refuse to stop. I will face it all and emerge victorious. Even as I write this and struggle to believe it, I’m still writing. And that in itself is a step forward.
To anyone else feeling this way, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to have bad days, to feel overwhelmed, and to question your worth. We are all in this together, navigating the ups and downs of life. Let’s support each other and remember that it’s okay to not be okay.
Remember, keep whispering your truth—because every small step forward, no matter how difficult, brings us closer to the light.