As I sat with a loved one yesterday, feeling already resentful, angry (but of course, not showing it—why give them the upper hand and let them think they got to me?), hurt, and disappointed after I had to teleport to work the previous day (check my post on Disappointments, Teleportation, and Ice Cream: My Morning in a Nutshell), I decided to open up the subject and discuss why their behavior hurt me. Trust me, I was careful. I used all the advice I read about handling conflict: don’t use "you," watch your tone, stay focused, don't recall past letdowns—you know, the usual Jedi mind tricks.
In the midst of the conversation, the "you changed" bomb dropped.
Oh my! I changed? Are they serious? The first thought in my mind was, "This is the beginning of the end," and trust me, I was not shy to express that out loud. Thankfully, I was met with understanding and compassion, and I am lucky to have someone mature enough to have a conversation with and discuss what is going on.
But let’s be real—when someone tells us "you changed," it feels like they just told us we’ve grown an extra head. We can’t help but think, "Wait, am I sprouting another one right now? Should I name it?"
To be totally honest with you, when I heard that, my mind started racing (yes, my mind has its own overactive hamster wheel that spins regardless of my control). I am actually known to have a brain that skips straight to the worst-case scenarios, completely ignoring all the in-between steps and any potential positive outcomes. What did my mind race with? Well, first, "How dare you?" Naturally, I mean, do I need to explain this?
Then, it moved to, "It’s over!" Of course, because that's the logical next step, right? Finally, I reached, "Wait a minute. I might have changed." True, I’m not as innocent as I would like to think I am. I mean, I’m only human at the end of the day. Yes, there are certain things that I’m not tolerating lately, I am getting irritable quickly, and I am being distant. With good cause or not, whether someone pushed me to be that way or not. Regardless, I did change and I am not being the nicest human ever lately.
So there I am, sitting on the couch, my mind racing faster than Usain Bolt, thinking about all the ways I might have changed. Have I become a fire-breathing dragon without realizing it? Possibly. Have I turned into a reclusive hermit avoiding all social interactions? Maybe. The reality is, I’ve become a bit less tolerant of nonsense. My patience has worn thinner than a cheap tissue in a monsoon, and my tolerance for drama has plummeted to sub-zero levels.
But let’s face it, who hasn’t changed? We’re living in a world where everything changes faster than the latest TikTok trend. One minute we’re fine, the next we’re ready to flip tables. So, when someone tells me "you changed," my immediate reaction might be to snap back, "Well, duh!" But then again, isn’t that what growth is all about?
So, here’s to acknowledging that yes, I’ve changed. And maybe, just maybe, that’s not such a bad thing after all.
So, why do people love to drop the "you changed" bomb? It’s not just their go-to move when they’re feeling insecure; often, it’s because they genuinely miss certain things about us. They remember the good old days when we used to do things a certain way, laugh at the same jokes, or share the same interests. It's their way of saying, "I miss the version of you that brought us closer."
Think about it. When someone says "you changed," it’s often coming from a place of longing for the connection that seems to be slipping away. They might be feeling a bit left behind as they watch us grow and evolve in ways they didn’t anticipate. It’s not always about control or comfort zones—sometimes it’s about a genuine sense of loss.
Now, why do we get so defensive when we hear it? Well, it’s simple. Hearing "you changed" can feel like a criticism of our growth. It’s like someone is saying, "The new you isn’t as good as the old you." Of course, we jump to defend ourselves because we want to believe that our changes are for the better.
But here’s the reality: Change is inevitable. We’re constantly evolving, learning, and adapting. When someone tells us "you changed," it might sting because it challenges our sense of identity and makes us question if our growth is causing pain to those we care about.
Instead of taking it as an attack, what if we saw it as a sign that our relationships are dynamic and evolving too? When someone says "you changed," they might be expressing their fears of losing the connection that once felt so solid. It’s not about blame; it’s about recognizing the shifts and finding ways to reconnect.
So, next time someone tells you "you changed," take a deep breath and consider their perspective. Are they really criticizing you, or are they expressing a longing for the bond that feels different now? Chances are, it’s the latter.
It’s like when you used to have movie nights every Friday with your best friend, but now you're swamped with work and can barely keep your eyes open past 9 PM. They miss the popcorn fights and the endless commentary on cheesy plot twists. Saying "you changed" is their way of mourning those lost moments and hoping to find new ways to connect.
So how do we navigate this tricky terrain without turning it into an emotional minefield? Here are a few thoughts:
- Acknowledge Their Feelings: When someone says "you changed," it’s important to recognize their feelings. They’re not necessarily accusing you of morphing into a fire-breathing dragon; they’re expressing their sense of loss. A simple, "I understand that things feel different now," can go a long way. It’s like giving them a virtual hug without all the awkward physical contact.
- Share Your Perspective: Open up about your own experience of change. Explain how you’ve grown and what’s been happening in your life. This can help them understand that your evolution isn’t about growing apart but about personal growth. Think of it as giving them the behind-the-scenes tour of your life’s latest season, complete with director’s commentary.
- Find Common Ground: Look for new ways to connect. Maybe Friday movie nights can turn into Saturday brunches or quick midweek coffee breaks. The key is to adapt and find new rituals that work for both of you. Who knows? You might discover that your friend makes a mean avocado toast.
- Be Honest About Your Needs: If certain changes are non-negotiable for you, like needing more personal time or focusing on new goals, communicate that clearly. It’s better to be upfront than to pretend everything can stay the same. Remember, honesty is the best policy, even if it means admitting you now have an inexplicable obsession with macramé.
- Encourage Mutual Growth: Invite them to grow alongside you. Share new interests, hobbies, or experiences that you’re passionate about. This way, change becomes a shared journey rather than a solitary path. Imagine it as embarking on an adventure together—just with fewer dragons and more coffee breaks.
At the end of the day, relationships are about navigating change together. It’s not about one person staying static to keep the other comfortable. It’s about evolving together, supporting each other, and finding new ways to connect. Change can be a beautiful thing if we allow it to deepen our relationships rather than divide them.
And hey, I tried this during my own "you changed" moment when I sprouted another head—which, by the way, I named Mr. Snuffleupagus. Surprisingly, it worked. Instead of tearing each other apart, we managed to have a real conversation, and I felt like we actually grew closer. So, give it a shot. You never know, you might end up naming your own new head and finding a fresh, stronger bond in the process.
Today’s Wisdom
"The mind is the place the soul goes to hide from the heart." ~Michael Singer
When we hear "you changed," our minds often go into overdrive, trying to protect our ego and defend our actions. But if we listen to our hearts, we might find that this change is leading us to a deeper, more authentic connection. It’s our soul's way of guiding us through growth, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Embrace the changes, both in yourself and in your relationships, and let your heart lead the way. You might just discover that change is the path to deeper understanding and stronger bonds.
So, next time you hear "you changed," take a deep breath, and name your new head something utterly ridiculous like Gertrude the Grouch. Then, dive into the conversation with the grace of a cat attempting to catch a laser pointer. Who knows? You might just find that change is the best thing that ever happened to your relationship—or at the very least, it’ll make for some entertaining dinner table stories.
Remember, keep whispering your truth—because your voice matters, even if it sounds a bit more sarcastic than it used to.
Leila ❤️
